CONAF Multiverse Episode Playtest

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WELCOME TO CONAN O'BRIEN NEEDS A FRIEND! (Punk theme plays) <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Intro 1]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Intro 2]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Intro 3]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Intro 4]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Intro 5]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/pvgpkl28yttui0kuqm464/CONAF_Multiverse_PunkPop.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio>

WELCOME TO CONAN O'BRIEN NEEDS A FRIEND! (Choral theme plays) <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Intro 1]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Intro 2]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Intro 3]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Intro 4]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Intro 5]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/0ykgw1verpa2ie0jipzv6/CONAF_Multiverse_ChildrensChorus.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio>

WELCOME TO CONAN O'BRIEN NEEDS A FRIEND! (Normal theme plays) <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Intro 1]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Intro 2]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Intro 3]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Intro 4]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Intro 5]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/xy2hdril8hwxwsqzdrht4/CONAF_Multiverse_NormalTheme.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio>

WELCOME TO CONAN O'BRIEN NEEDS A FRIEND! (EDM theme plays) <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Intro 1]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Intro 2]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Intro 3]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Intro 4]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Intro 5]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ihtl2254meis92httjobs/CONAF_Multiverse_EDM.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio>

WELCOME TO CONAN O'BRIEN NEEDS A FRIEND! (Hip hop theme plays) <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Intro 1]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Intro 2]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Intro 3]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Intro 4]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Intro 5]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/eg8mhiga1sj91aqxtnoxc/CONAF_Multiverse_HipHop.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio>

COLD OPEN Conan Conan here. Today's episode is a little bit different than our usual podcast. Due to events out of our control, every time you download this episode, you will get a different story. Welcome to Conan O'Brien... and the Multiverse of Sadness. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5,6)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[Ready? Let's go!|EDM Theme]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[Ready? Let's go!|Punk Theme]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[Ready? Let's go!|Classical Theme]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[Ready? Let's go!|Normal Theme]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[Ready? Let's go!|Hip Hop Theme]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 6>>[[Ready? Let's go!|Bluegrass]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/gk4oafg7jroo5uo3w0dcv/ColdOpen.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

THE WARNING (Voicemail) ''Conan'' Okay. So. Sona laughs, and now there’s a shimmering hole in reality hovering over the podcast table. ''Sona'' It’s not my fault! My body reacts to stupid things! ''Gourley'' Guys, I think we should play this voicemail I just got. It came in as she was laughing. //''(Gourley hits play. A heavily distorted version of his own voice cuts through static, panicked and urgent.)''// ''Voicemail Gourley (distorted)'' This is Matt Gourley. If you’re hearing this… it means the breach has begun. Sona’s laugh—her laugh—was the catalyst. It resonated across dimensions, cracked the boundary. You don’t have long. The fabric of time is thinning. I tried to stop it. I tried to warn you sooner. You must not record another segment. Do not engage with the rift. The only way to seal the rift and put things right is to - //''(The message cuts out in a burst of white noise. A strange, echoing hum lingers in the silence.) ''// ''Sona'' Okay, well that wasn’t ominous at all. ''Gourley'' So… what do we do now? It sounds like if we don't stop or try to fix this, things could get a lot worse - like other realities taking over this one. ''Conan'' Look, I’ve ignored a lot of warnings from people in my life—doctors, lawyers, Jeff Ross—but never a voicemail from another version of my own producer. ''Sona'' So what do we do? Stop the show? Unplug the mics? Call Stephen Hawking’s ghost? ''Conan'' No. We do what we always do in the face of cosmic instability—we press on and make it worse. If the multiverse wants to stop us, it can send something with better hair than me. Let’s go. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - NERDS UNITE]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SportsTalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SONAF]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - GrillinNChillin]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - Gourleys Spytalk]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/1woyhb4fkbm4pdfmx7nki/Gourley-Voicemail.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

THE WARNING (Note) ''Conan'' Okay. So. Sona laughs, and now there’s a shimmering hole in reality hovering over the podcast table. ''Sona'' It’s not my fault! My body reacts violently to dumbness—it’s a medical condition. ''Gourley'' Well, congratulations. You just medically demolished spacetime. ''Sona'' Hold on, I need lip gloss, I’m getting that “end-of-the-world dryness.” //''(She digs into her purse and pauses.)''// ''Sona'' Wait—what the hell? There’s a folded piece of paper in here. I didn’t put this in. ''Conan'' Is it a receipt for the universe’s warranty? Because I knew we were gonna void that. ''Sona'' (Reads) “Sona, it’s you. But not this you. Another you. From a dimension where we actually followed instructions. If you’re reading this, the laugh has already breached the veil. Do NOT record another segment. I repeat: do not continue. I tried to stop it, but Conan insisted on doing ‘one last bit.’ It unraveled everything. All of reality is collapsing, which is only slightly worse than when Gigilios went off the air. You’ll know this is really from you because in 2009 you drunkenly bought a pair of bedazzled Crocs and told no one. Also, you’re about to get hungry. Order food using Conan’s credit card. It’s in his right coat pocket. next to some dirty tissues he didn't throw away. Trust me.” ''Gourley'' Okay. That’s… disturbingly accurate. ''Conan'' Hold on—my coat’s hanging up in the other room! And how did she know about the tissues? ''Sona'' Multiverse me knows you’re lazy. ''Gourley'' So, what now? If we don’t figure this out soon, we could be looking at a total collapse of our reality. Other timelines won’t just appear—they’ll replace ours. Do we stop? Do we try to seal the breach? ''Conan'' No. We do what we’ve always done when confronted with powerful, reality-altering forces: we ignore them and barrel forward. ''Sona'' Honestly, same approach I use with my inbox. ''Conan'' And if the multiverse can’t handle that, it can take it up with my lawyers—assuming they haven’t all merged into one giant lizard by now. Let’s go. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - NERDS UNITE]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SportsTalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SONAF]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - GrillinNChillin]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - Gourleys Spytalk]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/pk05ur8otc6gt7tk26il8/rustling.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

THE WARNING (Doodle) ''Conan'' Okay. Sona laughs, the veil between dimensions tears open, and now my reflection is just shaking its head at me. ''Sona'' That tracks. Even Mirror You is exhausted. ''Gourley'' The temperature just dropped ten degrees. I think the laws of physics are filing for divorce. ''Conan'' Hang on… what’s this? //''(Conan stares down at the pad in front of him, cluttered with doodles—stick figures, spirals, a disturbing number of horses in suits. But one catches his eye.)''// ''Conan'' I didn’t draw this… or—Iit looks like I did, but I’ve never seen this specific drawing before. ''Sona'' Is that a cartoon of you getting punched in the face by a sentient beard? ''Conan'' No, I mean, yes, but look below that. There’s writing hidden in the shading. Tiny letters. “Conan, it’s you. But from a dimension where things went very, very wrong. You must stop mocking your staff, especially Bley. The teasing creates imbalance. The ridicule fuels the fracture. If you do not stop… the universe will collapse into a flaming ball of ironic detachment and petty resentment. Please. Don’t roast Bley again. This is your last chance. Also, stop doodling horses in blazers. It’s unnerving.” ''Gourley'' Wow. A message from another you… asking you to show kindness. That must be serious. ''Sona'' Do you think it’s real? Or like, a subliminal guilt trip you accidentally drew while sleep-deprived? ''Conan'' Oh, it’s real. I mean, look at the signature—it’s my handwriting but with //confidence.// ''Gourley'' So what do we do? This isn’t just about us anymore. If we keep going like nothing’s wrong, we might be letting something through that could rewrite everything we know. Should you stop making fun of Bley? ''Conan'' //''(beat)''// No. Obviously not. Let’s not give alternate-me all the power. That guy probably wears flip-flops with jeans. ''Sona'' So, we’re just… ignoring a transdimensional cry for decency? ''Conan'' Absolutely. If the universe wants to implode over a few light Bley jabs, then it deserves to go. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - NERDS UNITE]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SportsTalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SONAF]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - GrillinNChillin]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - Gourleys Spytalk]]<</if>> <audio loop> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/wcmty23wcs3h71je701q6/Doodle.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio></audio loop>

THE WARNING (Other Bill) ''Conan'' Alright. So Sona laughs, space rips open, and now the air smells like burnt wires and regret. ''Sona'' That’s my signature scent, thank you very much. ''Conan'' Hang on. I just got a voicemail. It’s from… Bill Hader? Wait—this is weird. It says the call came from “Bill Hader – Otherverse.” ''Gourley'' Otherverse? Like… not our Hader? ''Conan'' Shh. He’s speaking. //'' (Conan plays the message. Bill’s voice comes through—calm, rattled, a little echoey, like it’s bouncing through a cosmic tunnel.)''// ''Voicemail Bill Hader (distorted)'' Hey Conan. It's me. Kinda. I’m Bill Hader from Dimension 9-B. Listen, I don’t have much time. The laughter breach—it’s real. Sona’s laugh opened it. But it’s not just that. It’s you. Your relentless mockery of #BURST OF STATIC# has tilted the moral axis of your reality. The universe runs on balance, man, and if you don’t show #BURST OF STATIC# some basic dignity soon, this timeline collapses into a spiral of sarcasm, abandoned Fitbits, and molten La Croix. Fix this. Be kind. Also, if you see our Paul Rudd, tell him I miss him. Ours melted. //''(The message cuts off in a low whine. Static lingers, then fades.)''// ''Sona'' Wow. Interdimensional Hader just gave you a heartfelt cosmic intervention. ''Conan'' Look, I’ve been friends with this universe’s Bill Hader for years. He’s never once asked me to be a better person. I don’t trust this one. ''Sona'' So… we ignore the heartfelt warning from a parallel version of one of your best friends? ''Conan'' Of course. If mocking my staff is wrong, I don’t want to live in this—or any—dimension. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - NERDS UNITE]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SportsTalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SONAF]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - GrillinNChillin]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - Gourleys Spytalk]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/zgqjn1qvzlqy8xmud6isr/Celebrity-Voicemail.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

THE WARNING (Fan) ''Conan'' Okay. Sona laughs, a rift in the space-time continuum opens above the podcast table, and now my coffee tastes like screams. ''Sona'' I regret nothing. I stand by that laugh. It was earned. ''Gourley'' Alright, well—while reality continues to fracture—why don’t we welcome today’s fan? ''Conan'' Oh good. I'm sure talking to a fan will fix all of this. //''(Gourley clicks a button. A flickering Zoom window opens on the monitor. Onscreen is a dirt-covered, battle-worn version of David Hopping, wearing a tactical vest, with glowing circuitry pulsing behind him.)''// ''Alt-David Hopping'' Hello… from Universe 17-D. There’s not much time. I’m David Hopping… or what’s left of him. Listen to me—Sona’s laugh cracked the veil. You MUST restore the timeline. If the continuum isn’t sealed… all laughter-based civilizations will fall. ''Sona'' Oh my God, even alternate David sounds underappreciated. ''Alt-David Hopping'' There may be one way to fix it… a symbolic gesture to restore balance and dignity. Something I’ve never had. Maybe… a raise? ''Conan'' Okay I see what's going on here. ''Alt-David Hopping'' Oh no! The robots have broken through! Please, Conan! Give me a raise and all of this can be - //''(The screen is covered in flames and the call disconnects)''// ''Conan'' Nice try, but I'm no fool. David Hopping, can you come to the studio? //''(The studio door opens. Regular David Hopping walks in, holding an iced coffee and wearing a cardigan.)''// ''David Hopping'' Hey guys, you wanted to see me? ''Conan'' David, your alternate self just said the only way to save the multiverse is to give you a raise. ''David Hopping'' Oh wow. Yeah, I’ve been meaning to bring that up, actually. ''Conan'' No. ''David Hopping'' Cool, thanks for your time. //''(David exits.)''// ''Gourley'' So… we’re just gonna let the fabric of reality slowly collapse then? We need to act. If we don’t seal whatever’s happening, this dimension could be overrun by versions of reality that don’t belong here. ''Conan'' Look, if I gave every alternate-dimension assistant a raise every time the timeline cracked, I’d be broke. Let’s move on. ''Sona'' Honestly, it’s weird how on brand this apocalypse is. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - NERDS UNITE]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SportsTalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - SONAF]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - GrillinNChillin]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Act 3 - Gourleys Spytalk]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/3ulft7esvert6136fszh4/Future-Hoppoing.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

SPORTS FORCE WITH EDUARDO PEREZ ''Eduardo'' Welcome back to Sports Force with Eduardo Pérez—the call-in show where hot takes meet hard stats, and we’re not afraid to challenge the play. I’m your host, Eduardo Pérez, and I’m joined by two of the sharpest minds in the game: former fantasy commissioner turned analytics hammer, Sona Movsesian, and the guru of game-day psychology, Matt Gourley. ''Sona'' Thanks, Eduardo. Look, until coaches start factoring in astrological matchups between players, they’re playing checkers in a chess league. ''Gourley'' And if your kicker isn’t listening to binaural beats the night before a game, you’re not winning a ring. Period. ''Eduardo'' That’s it. That’s the edge. Alright, let’s go to the phones. We’ve got a Conan from L.A. on line 6. Haha. Conan? Who would name their kid Conan? Anyway, Conan, welcome to SportsForce. What’s your hot take? ''Conan'' Thank God. Eduardo, Sona, Matt—you’re not supposed to be doing this. This isn’t real. We’re supposed to be doing a comedy podcast! Eduardo, you’re my engineer. Sona, you’re my assistant. Matt… you’re my weird friend! This sports show isn’t our world! ''Sona'' Okay, wow. Is this a prank call? Because I've never worked as an assistant in my life, unless you count my time as Assistant Offensive Coordinator for the Alta Dena River Rats. ''Gourley'' Yeah, unless this "Conan" guy has a theory on why the Jaguars can’t hold a lead in a zone scheme, I’m not interested. And I'm also not weird, thanks. I like protein shakes and shopping at Target, just like every other red blooded macho male. ''Conan'' Sona! You don’t even like sports! You once said the Super Bowl was “just commercials with running in between!” ''Sona'' Uhhhh I host a segment called Red Zone Revelations, so I think you should suck it. ''Gourley'' Conan, if that’s even your real name—every time you speak, you sound like a man who’s never done a single post-game breakdown in his life. ''Eduardo'' Alright, Conan, fun call. But we’ve got listeners who actually want to talk about the quarterback diaper scandal in the CFL. Conan No, wait—listen to me! There’s a tear in the universe! We were in the middle of a podcast and now we’re in some kind of sports dreamscape! You don’t remember anything?! Sona I remember saying if the Falcons didn’t fix their O-line this season, they were gonna implode. And guess what? I was right. Gourley I remember calling the Jets’ downward spiral three weeks early and winning twenty bucks off Eduardo. Eduardo That’s called insight, Conan. Conan No! you guys! We have to figure out a way to stop this and seal the breach or everything is just going to get worse! We have to - [Click. Line disconnects.] Eduardo What a weirdo. Stay away from those steroids, kids. That shit will rot your brain. You're listening to SportsForce - Next up: should penalty flags be AI-reviewed, or is that just another step toward robot referees? Don’t go anywhere, we'll be right back. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FIlm Noir]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - HELL]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FANTASY]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Space Opera]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Horror]]<</if>> <audio loop> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/018nlvjicotaeeia2twh4/Sportslow.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio></audio loop>

GRILLIN' & CHILLIN' WITH ADAM SACHS Adam Welcome back to Grillin’ & Chillin’, the podcast where we smoke meats, dunk fries, and sip something smooth while we do it. I’m foodie and all around master of chillaxin, Adam Sachs, and with me, as always, are my two co-hosts: Brisket Boi Conan O’Brien, who once cried eating burnt ends in Kansas City, and Sona Movsesian, the queen of condiments who thinks any food can be improved with lemon and attitude. Conan That’s true. And I’ll just say this again: a proper brisket shouldn’t just feed your stomach—it should haunt your dreams. Sona And if it doesn’t have at least two dips on the side, it’s a hate crime. Adam Amen. Alright, today’s a special one, folks—we’ve got a real treat. Joining us in the studio is someone who’s made a name for himself in the cocktail scene with his signature drink, The Velvet Cipher. Please welcome Matt Gourley! Conan I’m not gonna lie—I’ve had dreams about this cocktail. It’s like if a Negroni took piano lessons and studied abroad. Sona And he infuses his own rosemary mist, like some kind of low-key wizard. Gourley Thanks for having me. I… I guess. Adam You okay, Matt? You seem a little—uh—less “velvet,” more “static radio transmission.” Gourley Do any of you even remember who I am? Sona Yeah, you’re the cocktail guy. The Velvet Cipher guy. The dude who made a martini that tasted like jazz and regret. Conan You’re the guy from that Eater video who said, “Citrus should hurt, or why bother.” Gourley No. That’s not who I am. That’s not who any of you are. I remember everything. This isn’t the real world. This podcast—Grillin’ and Chillin’—it’s not supposed to exist. Adam Okay... Gourley Conan, you don’t care about food! You used to call brisket “meat homework.” Adam, you were behind the scenes making sure the podcast made beaucoup bucks, not hosting a sauce-forward podcast. And Sona… your laugh caused this whole thing! You laughed too hard at something and it cracked the timeline!! Sona Excuse me? My laughter builds timelines, thank you very much. Conan I don’t know what’s going on here, but if you're trying to get out of making a drink, this is the weirdest excuse I’ve ever heard. Adam Mr. Gourley, are you sure you're not just hungover from your own rosemary mist? Gourley I’m serious. I remember a different show. Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend. Conan was the host. Sona was his assistant. Adam—you were running the whole thing from the background. I was… okay, I mostly made obscure references and gave the wrap sign. But now? Now I’m “The Velvet Cipher”? What does that even mean?! Sona It means you make an excellent drink and you should start shaking. Conan Mr. Cipher, listen. If you’re having an identity crisis, the solution is simple: pair it with a smoked meatball slider and move on. Adam Exactly. We don’t fix reality—we baste it. Gourley You’re all wrong! If we don’t stop this show and try to reverse the breach, this world will keep replacing what we had. I saw a version of myself garnishing a cocktail with a flaming rib. That’s not me! That’s a warning! We have to figure out a way to stop this! Sona Well, while you work through your existential beverage breakdown, we’re gonna talk about the five rules of potato salad. Rule number one: if it’s warm, it’s dead to me. Adam I guess no cocktails this episode. We'll just have to drink straight liquor once again. We'll be right back. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FIlm Noir]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - HELL]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FANTASY]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Space Opera]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Horror]]<</if>> <audio loop> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/5n03winyrk2spt01512q5/grillchilllow.mp3?dl=1' autoplay volume 0.90> </audio></audio loop>

SONA MOVSESIAN NEEDS A FRIEND Sona Barev, my little pomegranates! Welcome back to Sona Movsesian Needs a Friend—the only podcast hosted by a woman who once negotiated down the price of a fridge and got a free rug out of it. With me today, as always, are two human cinnamon sticks: Matt Gourley, who smells faintly of cedar and worry, and David Hopping, who once got kicked out of a Glendale hookah bar for “trying too hard.” David Sona, I’m just honored to bask in your glow. You’re like if Cher and a volcano had a podcast baby. Sona You get it. Now it’s time to summon the weakest link in this operation—my assistant. A man who once referred to tabbouleh as “spicy lawn.” Conan, get in here. (Conan shuffles in, clearly frazzled.) Conan Sona, stop. This isn’t real. You’re not the host—I am. This is supposed to be my podcast. You’re my assistant. This is all wrong. This whole timeline is wrong, and Sona it's because you laughed. You laughed so hard, it fractured the fabric of reality and now we’re trapped in this... Hell. Sona Oh, here we go. Did you forget to take your multivitamin and now you’re having a timequake? David Wait, so you’re the host in another reality? Of this podcast? Gourley Conan, I think you’re just threatened by a timeline where Sona doesn’t have to fake-laugh at your jokes. Conan No, I’m serious. We’ve been overwritten. This podcast—this reality—replaced the real one. If we keep going, things are going to get worse. You think this is weird now? Wait until we’re all speaking in reverse and my legs are made of soup cans! Sona Okay, but why would any universe want you to host something? In any dimension, I’m funnier, louder, and better at looking disinterested. Conan I’m trying to save us! You were my assistant! Matt, you were quietly running sound and secretly Googling toe fungus remedies! And David… I still don’t know what you did, but it wasn’t this! David Well, in this timeline, I thrive. So maybe let it happen, man. Gourley I don’t know, Sona… maybe we should hear him out. Just for— Sona Matt, don’t go soft. He’s spiraling. The only “tear in reality” is his ego coming apart because the spotlight isn’t on his pale Irish face. Conan, it's not my fault that I applied myself and went to Harvard and became a comedy superstar and you did... Whatever you did to end up working for me. Conan Please. If we don’t stop the show and try to fix the breach, we’re going to get buried under more and more fake realities. Soon we won’t even remember the original timeline. You’ll forget who you were. I already saw a version of myself with hooves. Hooves, Sona! Sona That sounds like a you problem. Maybe hoof-Conan’s more emotionally available. David Honestly, I’d trust hoof-Conan to get my Postmates right. Gourley And probably less likely to spiral mid-show. Sona Alright, let’s cut Conan’s mic before he starts warning us about lizard people and alternate Egg McMuffins. Coming up, we’ve got my cousin Vartouhi talking about how to spot a fake Gucci bag and a fake boyfriend. Stay tuned. Conan NO! WE HAVE TO - <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FIlm Noir]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - HELL]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FANTASY]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Space Opera]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Horror]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/dwgdkt4kzys41w8bchrjg/SONAF_2.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

MATT GOURLEY PRESENTS: SPYTALK Gourley You’re listening to SpyTalk—where microfilm matters, trench coats are always in season, and the Cold War never got cold enough. I’m Matt Gourley, part-time historian, full-time spy gear obsessive, joined by the man whose code name used to be “The Freckled Phantom”—Conan O’Brien. Conan Thank you, Matt. Still prefer “Agent Ginger,” but yes—I’ve seen things. I’ve hidden things. And let me say: if you don’t respect the elegance of a fountain pen that doubles as a cyanide injector, you don’t deserve to be in this conversation. Gourley Couldn’t agree more. Today we’re diving into my personal favorite: the CIA’s “Matchbox Recorder”—a fully functioning reel-to-reel hidden in what looks like a cheap cigarette box. It’s like if Radio Shack and betrayal had a baby. Conan You love that thing. You once said it was the only object you’d trust to record your last words. Gourley Still true. And those words will be: “I told you the umbrella was a weapon.” Sona Guys. Stop. I need to interrupt. Gourley That's our engineer, Sona Movsesian. Sona, what's up? Sona I'm not an engineer. I have no idea what all this stuff does. My god... There are so many buttons back here. How does Eduardo do this every week? Conan Who's Eduardo? Sona It doesn't matter. Listen. This isn’t the real show. This isn't our world. Gourley Okaaay, don't crack a cyanide tooth. Sounds like someone didn’t hit her calming essential oils this morning. Sona Matt, you’re not supposed to be hosting a spy podcast. You’re a producer. And Conan, you once said “espionage sounds like a foot fungus.” Conan That doesn’t sound like me. I own an East German typewriter and I know how to use it! Sona Stop it!! None of this is you! My laugh—remember? Something went wrong. I laughed too hard, and it cracked the timeline. Our comedy podcast has been overwritten by this… spy podcast from hell. If we don’t stop, reality will collapse further. You’ll forget who you really are. Gourley Sona, with all due respect, I never forget who I am: a humble man who once smuggled a bugged tie clip across the Austrian border... in a dream I had that felt very real. Conan And I refuse to abandon a podcast where I get to say “dead drop” five times an hour. Hosting a comedy podcast sounds like a nightmare. Sona No! You guys, listen to me! We have to stop this before - <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FIlm Noir]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - HELL]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FANTASY]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Space Opera]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Horror]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/zmuxceie1ip6wsfvs15el/Spytalk.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

WELCOME TO CONAN O'BRIEN NEEDS A FRIEND! (Bluegrass theme plays) <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Intro 1]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Intro 2]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Intro 3]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Intro 4]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Intro 5]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/0aaecanrjecuvyxv2a0vg/CONAF_Multiverse_Bluegrass.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio>

INTRO (Version 1) ''Conan'' Welcome to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast where I, Conan O’Brien, bravely explore the human condition with two people who’ve emotionally checked out since 2019. ''Sona '' That’s rich coming from a man who once brought a mirror to therapy so he could “talk to someone on his level.” ''Gourley '' And the therapist still sided with the mirror. ''Conan'' Okay, okay—fair. But listen: if I had a nickel for every time Sona ignored my emotional needs, I’d finally be able to afford the hologram of Hogan from Hogan's Heroes that I commissioned for comfort. ''Sona '' HAHAHAHAHA. (SONA BURSTS INTO A HUGE LAUGH THAT REVERBERATES THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO) Oh my God! That’s so stupid—it’s so stupid! ''Gourley'' Uh… is it just me or did the lights flicker when she laughed? ''Conan'' Sona, I think your laugh was so loud, it ripped a hole in the spacetime continuum. There's a bright... //tear// that's opened up near the door. ''Gourley '' And there's people in there... People who look like us! ''Sona'' I still look hot! HAHAHAHA YES! [[THE RIFT OPENS|Static FX - The Rift Opens]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/thlml9bmkwsu2wyeajtd4/upbeat1.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

INTRO (Version 2) ''Conan '' Hello and welcome to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast where I attempt to form genuine human connection while flanked by two coworkers who treat me like a haunted grandfather clock. ''Sona '' Only because you make loud noises, no one knows how you work, and you refuse to stop chiming at 3 a.m. ''Gourley '' Plus, you’re full of gears and deeply cursed. ''Conan '' That’s not true. I had the curse professionally transferred to a vintage Roomba. ''Sona'' HAHAHAHAHA. (SONA BURSTS INTO A HUGE LAUGH THAT REVERBERATES THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO) Oh my God, you would do that. That poor Roomba’s just out there collecting dust and trauma. ''Gourley'' Uh... are we gonna talk about the sudden temperature drop, or should I just pretend my glasses aren’t fogging up from ghost energy? ''Conan'' Sona, I think your laugh was so loud it ripped a hole in the spacetime continuum. Holy crap—something’s opening near the ceiling. It’s like a shimmering crack in the air. ''Sona'' HAHAHAHA SHUT UP! HAHAHA! [[THE RIFT OPENS|Static FX - The Rift Opens]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/aj69ps9gg03iffjesqb6u/upbeat2.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

INTRO 3 (Version 3) ''Conan'' Welcome to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast where I bare my soul each week to two people who once tried to replace me with a cardboard cutout. ''Sona'' That cutout had better posture and didn’t interrupt me constantly. ''Gourley '' And it still got funnier laughs than you, somehow. ''Conan '' Joke’s on you—I dated that cutout for six months. And emotionally? It was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. ''Sona'' HAHAHAHAHA. (SONA BURSTS INTO A HUGE LAUGH THAT REVERBERATES THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO) STOP. STOP. I CAN’T. My spine just tried to eject itself. ''Gourley'' Okay—whoa—uh, the walls are bowing inward. Sona, your laugh just shattered every glass in the sound booth. I think your laugh was so loud it ripped a hole in the spacetime continuum. ''Conan '' There’s a rip in the air above us—it’s growing. I see… versions of us, floating in a void, screaming in slow motion. ''Sona '' HAHAHA! AND YOU HATE PORTALS! [[THE RIFT OPENS|Static FX - The Rift Opens]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/zvitdplu5omerz1w5te37/upbeat3.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

INTRO 4 (Version 4) ''Conan'' This is Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast where I, a man starved for affection, surround myself with two coworkers who treat basic empathy like it’s a multi-level marketing scam. ''Sona '' That’s rich coming from someone who once gave himself a hug and whispered “we don’t need them.” ''Gourley'' I walked in on it. He had mood lighting and a second robe on a hanger. ''Conan'' That was a self-love ceremony, and frankly, I felt seen. ''Sona'' HA HA HA HA HA. (SONA BURSTS INTO A HUGE LAUGH THAT REVERBERATES THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO) NO! NO, I’M DONE! I CAN’T BREATHE! I THINK I JUST LEFT MY BODY! ''Gourley'' Uh, guys? My watch is spinning backwards and I just saw a plant age in reverse. Sona, I think your laugh was so loud it ripped a hole in the spacetime continuum. ''Conan'' There’s a glowing crack above the rug. It’s opening like a zipper in the fabric of the universe… ''Sona'' And through it I see us - except we’re all levitating and Gourley has six arms! Hey Gourls, need a hand?! HA HA HA HA! [[THE RIFT OPENS|Static FX - The Rift Opens]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/t0moula5p9hkcxs2uidvq/upbeat4.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

INTRO (Version 5) ''Conan'' Welcome to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, the podcast where I try to connect with humanity, despite spending every day with two people who treat me like I’m an overly chatty scarecrow. ''Sona'' Only because you flail constantly and you once asked a UPS driver if he “wanted to unpack some emotional baggage.” ''Gourley'' And he did—the poor guy cried on your porch for 40 minutes. ''Conan'' Hey, I heal where I can. Some people use therapy, I use unsolicited driveway heart-to-hearts. ''Sona'' Hahaha. That's good. ''Conan'' Next week I’m just gonna start stopping random cars and offering “emotional pit stops”—free windshield wipes and a full crying session. ''Sona'' HA HA HA. Stop! ''Conan'' By Christmas I’ll be running a curbside confessional. “Pull up, sob into the orange-haired life coach, and I’ll validate your parking with a tear-stained coupon.” ''Sona'' HAHAHAHAHA. (SONA BURSTS INTO A HUGE LAUGH THAT REVERBERATES THROUGHOUT THE STUDIO) I’m—oh my GOD—I’m laughing so hard I just peed a little bit!! [[THE RIFT OPENS|Static FX - The Rift Opens]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/nhi0gzdw226idprdzzuwl/upbeat5.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

NERDS UNITE!!! WITH BLEY!!! Bley Welcome to NERDS UNITE, baby! The only podcast where anime meets analog sticks and emotional damage is part of the character arc! I’m your host, Bley—the blue-haired bard of Final Fantasy XIV—and with me as always is my mecha-loving, JRPG-grinding co-host… Conan O’Brien! Conan IRASSHAIMASE, my fellow kaiju whisperers! We just came back from break and I’ve gotta say: My Hero Academia Season 7? Still doesn’t go hard enough. Call me when All Might throws hands with actual God. Bley Preach! Also—hot take: Elden Ring should’ve had a dedicated petting mechanic. You give me a tortoise priest and you won’t let me hug him? Jail. Conan And don’t even get me started on the One Piece live-action series. I want my pirates unhinged, not emotionally grounded. Bley Coming up, we’re ranking the top five anime betrayals of all time—spoiler alert, number one rhymes with She-on in Neon. (Static flickers. Suddenly, the studio lights dim for just a second. The board glitches. Then—) Gourley Conan. Bley. Please. Listen to me. Something is wrong. This show—this isn’t real. Bley Whoa, buddy. That's our engineer, Matthew Gourley - I thought you didn't like getting on mic? Maybe check your HDMI cable, you’re glitching like you just fought Sephiroth in a microwave. Conan Yeah, Matt, you good? You sound like someone who just got kicked out of a LAN party for trying to talk about taxes. Gourley Guys—this isn’t the real show! You’re not co-hosts of NERDS UNITE! Conan, you’re supposed to be hosting Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend! Eduardo’s the engineer! Sona makes fun of you! You hate video games, Conan! You once called a controller “a plastic regret brick”! Conan That… doesn’t sound right. I’ve got Kirby lore tattooed on my thigh. Bley Yeah and last week you yelled “GOJO’S BACK” in the middle of a funeral. You love anime, dude. Gourley No! That’s not you! That’s not any of this! Sona’s laugh ripped open spacetime and now this show has overwritten reality! You’re not who you think you are! Conan Okay, I think Matt needs a juice box and a reboot. Uhhhh I haven't seen somebody this distraught since Aang from Avatar the last airbender awoke from 100 years of suspended animation to discover the rest of the Air Nomads had been eradicated. Bley Agreed. Look, Gourley—we love you, man, but you can’t just crash NERDS UNITE! because you had a dream about a sad podcast where you’re not surrounded by excellence. Gourley It wasn’t a dream. It was real. You were my friends. You made fun of Bley constantly. Conan I’d never make fun of Bley. He’s the Gundam pilot of my heart. Bley Thanks boo. Gourley No—no, no, no. This isn’t right. I’m going to fix this. I have to fix this. [Gourley runs out. A loud feedback buzz cuts in. Lights flicker.] Conan Well, that was unsettling. Bley Honestly, I think he’s just upset that his anime waifu didn’t win the popularity bracket. Conan You can’t root for a background character, Matt. That’s videogame anime podcasting 101. Bley Hell yeah. Up top. [Conan and Bley high five] <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FIlm Noir]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - HELL]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - FANTASY]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Space Opera]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THERE'S A LOUD BOOM AND THE SOUND OF A THOUSAND MIRRORS BREAKING AS REALITY BREAKS APART|Act 4 - Horror]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/zgdo68pzw495wfrxc90du/nerdslow.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

FILM NOIR Conan (voiceover) They say every city’s got a heart. But Los Angeles? She’s got a nervous breakdown in a sequined dress—and I’m the guy dumb enough to waltz her to the psych ward. Name’s O’Brien. Conan O’Brien. I keep an office above a dry cleaner that’s been laundering more lies than linen, and my most reliable secretary is a half-dead ficus. I thought the day couldn’t get worse—then she walked in. [Sound: door creaks open, a pair of heels click on linoleum.] Sona You O’Brien? Conan That’s what it says on the door—unless the building settled and turned it into “O’Bran.” Sona I need help. There’s been… an incident. Conan (voiceover) She had a voice like a cigarette that knew how to flirt, and eyes that could make a priest sweat through his collar. She was trouble. The kind that shows up smelling like pomegranate and vanishes before the check clears. Sona There’s a tear in the fabric of reality. A breach. Ripped wide open the moment I laughed too hard at a man slipping on a baguette. Conan You’ll have to run that by me again, sugar. Slower—and with less French pastry. Sona You don’t believe me. Conan I believe in bourbon and betrayal. Everything else needs proof. [Sound: door creaks open again. A shuffling man enters, sniveling.] Gourley Eh-hehhh, Mister O’Brien… you remember me, yes? Gourley. You still owe me for the—ehh—exploding accordion job. Conan (voiceover) Gourley. A weasel in a bow tie. If information had a sewer, he was floating in it with a toothpick and a grin. Gourley I heard things. The tear in the sky? The laughter quake? It’s real. Some say it connects all timelines. Others say it’s just a rift caused by too much garlic hummus and unresolved tension. But I know… Sona You know how to fix it? Gourley Fix? Oh no, no. But I know who to talk to. You’ll to talk to the Swedish German - he's the secfret owner of a jazz club called The Seventh Chord. But be warned: You might not make it back alive. Conan (voiceover) It was official: the case had gone from odd to operatic. A dimension-bending laugh. A club that didn’t show up on any map. And a woman with enough lipstick and secrets to bury me twice. Conan Alright. I’ll take the case. But if this ends with me trapped in a parallel universe where I sell insurance in Glendale, I’m blaming both of you. Sona You’ll love it. There’s no paperwork—just betrayal. Gourley Ehhh-hehehh… and jazz. Don’t forget the jazz. [Music swells—a slow, ominous sax riff, like the universe just lit a cigarette and leaned back to watch.] Conan (voiceover) They called it The Laugh That Shook the World. I called it Tuesday. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Mulaney's Motivational Mantalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - NikkiGlaser Relationship Talk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Meditation With Dr. Arroyo]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Rudd's Mudd]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Musical]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ve8kw0p4g7engepwhkhxg/FIlm-Noir.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

THE CHILL CHUMS IN HELL Conan AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Okay! Okay!! I’m done pretending this isn’t happening! I’ve been stuck in a never-ending conga line of shirtless demons who keep kicking me in the shins and chanting every podcast ad read I’ve ever butchered. DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HEAR “USE PROMO CODE CONAN” ON LOOP FOR A CENTURY?! Sona AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING SINCE TUESDAY! I HAVE TO RE-LIVE MY MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS WHILE SITTING ON A THRONE MADE OF MELTING PLASTIC TABBOULEH CONTAINERS! AND EVERY FIVE MINUTES A DEMON NAMED KEVORKI STICKS HIS HEAD IN AND SAYS, “YOU MISSED A SPOT.” I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE SPOT IS!!! Gourley [high-pitched wail] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHH!!! They’ve made me wear a full wool tuxedo in a steam pit while I’m forced to listen to my own voice saying “mmm, yes, good point” from old podcast episodes! AND I’M NOT ALLOWED TO SIP ANYTHING! THEY KEEP HANDING ME DRINKS BUT WHEN I TRY TO DRINK THEM THEY EVAPORATE INTO STEAMED GIN MIST!!! Conan WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SCREAMING GOATS?? Sona THOSE AREN’T GOATS! THOSE ARE FORMER REALITY SHOW PRODUCERS!!! Gourley I MISS SHOES THAT AREN’T MADE OF FIRE! Conan AND PODCAST CHAIRS! ACTUAL PODCAST CHAIRS! NOT THESE SWIVELING STONE TOILETS THAT GROWL WHEN I SIT DOWN!! Sona YOU GUYS… YOU GUYS… [catching her breath] Do you ever get this weird feeling like… we weren’t supposed to be here? Gourley YES! EVERY SECOND OF EVERY BURNING MOMENT! Conan Sometimes I think… maybe there’s a version of us JUST TALKING INTO MICROPHONES AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Sona Like some… alternate universe podcast?! Where I don’t have to file demon tax paperwork and you’re not getting high-kicked by hell dancers!? Gourley And I just… mix a drink. Wear a cardigan. Whisper about 1940s furniture. Conan I WANT TO BE IN A ROOM THAT'S NOT ON FIRE WHERE I CAN JUST MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE ALL DAY AAAHAHHHHHHHHHHH Sona I JUST WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I GET TO USE CONAN'S CREDIT CARD TO BUY THINGS I DON'T NEED AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Conan, Sona and Gourley AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [Hell resumes. Screams continue. The fire doesn't stop. Not yet.] <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Mulaney's Motivational Mantalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - NikkiGlaser Relationship Talk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Meditation With Dr. Arroyo]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Rudd's Mudd]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Musical]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/b1o4l1o1999vk5iv2n025/HELL_1.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE CHILL CHUMS Conan I am Conarion the Red—last knight of House O’Bríon, wielder of the blade Witrender, and professional bearer of burdens I did not ask for. Ages ago, in the Court of Thalor, I told a joke so devastating it shattered the Veil of Realms. People laughed. Then reality cracked. Classic me. Sona I am Sonalith of the Vale. I was baking flatbread in peace when a talking raven told me I was “chosen.” Now I carry the Echo Scroll, a cursed parchment that moans every time someone says the word “moist.” I did not ask to be part of this quest. I have other skills. Gourley I am Gourlëas of the Wooded Shelf. I once ran a quiet apothecary with a side hustle in enchanted throw pillows. Now I drink mushroom tea and whisper to maps. I’ve studied the Lah’fayr Bryech—the Laughter Breach. It is no ordinary rift. It warps time, collapses identity, and smells faintly of warm plastic and forgotten punchlines. Conan We walk east, toward the Glimmering Teeth—the mountains that shouldn’t be there, but are. Each step brings us closer to the breach… and further from sense. Sona Yesterday I fought a raccoon that spoke in riddles. Today I’m bleeding from somewhere called the temporal pancreas. Gourley That’s fine. You only need one. Maybe. [Sound: Branches crack. The air shifts. A distant, wheezing laugh cuts through the mist.] Conan Riftspawn. Two of them. Wearing old faces. One looks like… my high school guidance counselor. Sona Don’t trust them. One once turned into my grandmother and gave me a full guilt trip and a concussion. Gourley This one’s pretending to be a barista I ghosted in the Spring of Shadows. Do I… do I apologize? [Sound: steel unsheathing. Screaming. Crunch. A magical pop.] Conan They’re gone. Back into the rift. I stabbed mine in the knee. I think it was trying to upsell me a rewards card. Sona I don’t know what’s worse—the monsters or the fact that every tree here sighs when I walk past it. Gourley The forest remembers sarcasm. It holds grudges. Conan Sometimes… sometimes I dream of another life. A simpler one. We’re in a room. We’re talking. No swords. No riddling rodents. Just… microphones. Sona You’re not covered in mud and regret. I’m sitting. Comfortably. With snacks. Gourley And I’m allowed to make a drink without summoning a time ghost. Conan Maybe that world was real once. Maybe we lost it. Maybe that’s what the breach took. Sona Or maybe you all just imagined it and dragged me into this because I’m the only one who packs snacks. [Sound: a deep, guttural chuckle rumbles through the air. The trees bend slightly inward. The breach is near.] Gourley That’s not the wind. That’s the breach laughing again. Conan Then let it laugh. We’re close. And if we’re lucky—if the stars bend just right—maybe we’ll find that room again. And this time… we hit record. [Sound: their footsteps fade as the wind rises. The laughter grows louder. Just beneath it, almost too soft to hear—three voices, talking and laughing, in another world.] <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Mulaney's Motivational Mantalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - NikkiGlaser Relationship Talk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Meditation With Dr. Arroyo]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Rudd's Mudd]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Musical]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/s9qb99f1ye7ais21140kx/Fantasy.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

SPACE EMPEROR CONAN Narrator In the Ninth Cycle of Solar Dominion, when the moons of Varn still pulsed with stable fusion and most bureaucrats remembered how to die quietly, one man held dominion over the stars: High Executor Conan of the Stellar Fold—reluctant sovereign, occasional poet, and full-time skeptic. And then—it appeared. A breach at the galactic edge. Silent. Pulsing. Wrong. [Sound: Low rift-tone, bending in pitch like a question you don’t want answered.] Conan I am Space Emperor Conan, Warden of the Fold, Shield of the Core, and the only man in this empire who still reads the safety instructions before a hyperspace jump. I did not ascend to power for glory. I did it because I lost a bet. But now something stirs at the outer systems. An anomaly. A rupture. My navigators call it a gravity mirage. My seers whisper of “the wound that remembers.” I’ve named it Vorth’Ka—The Laughter Breach. If left unchecked, it will destroy us all. Sona (over comms) Executor, this is Vizier Sonatrix. The breach is radiating mnemonic drift and narrative distortion. The last probe we sent came back… repeating "Use code CONAN for 20% off." I fear we're doomed. Conan Then double the perimeter. Fortify the waveform. No untagged signal gets near the Core. Sona Too late. We’ve already lost four outposts. No distress calls—just encrypted bursts of canned laughter and one image: a man with my face… eating his own timeline. Conan Then summon the Gourlax. We need something worse than science. We need insight. [Sound: A subdimensional rift opens. Data static and wind from nowhere. Gourley’s voice enters, strange, quiet.] Gourley Executor. I was sipping plasma tea when the light bent sideways. You rang. Conan Gourlax. Tell me what this breach is. And spare me metaphors—I’m already wearing one of history’s most uncomfortable crowns. Gourley Vorth’Ka is not a wound. It is a rewrite. It spreads by resonance—replacing causality, physics, memory. First jokes, then names, then matter. Reality is being… improvised. Sona I ran forecasts. In six days, all outer systems will lose linguistic coherence. By eight, we expect atmospheric reversal, biotemporal drift, and our entire world written over by something called "a podcast". Conan We end this now. I will not see my empire reduced to punchlines and paradoxes. I did not climb the spiral of succession just to be conquered by irony. Gourley There may be one hope. The Parabasis. A lost vessel, deep in the Echo Tract. Said to contain a Cognition Core older than the Fold—untouched by recursion. A relic of uncorrupted signal. Sona If we find it in time, we may be able to anchor reality long enough to close the breach. If not… we become fiction. Unwritten. Outvoted by the noise. Conan Then prepare the flagship. Spin the dark drives. Ready the neural dampeners. We ride—not for conquest… …but for coherence. [Sound: Engines ignite. Grav-struts lock. A final pulse from the breach hums—closer, stronger.] Narrator And so, with the Fold trembling and the stars flickering out of sequence, Space Emperor Conan set course for the breach. Toward what science had failed to stop. Toward Vorth’Ka. And the last true hope to save his galactic empire. <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Mulaney's Motivational Mantalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - NikkiGlaser Relationship Talk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Meditation With Dr. Arroyo]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Rudd's Mudd]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Musical]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/c05t0twr8vc60v2e86a1d/Space.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

PODCAST OF THE LIVING DEAD Conan (panting, clutching a fire extinguisher like a weapon) Alright. That’s it. We’re not leaving this room. I don’t care if the coffee machine starts begging for help—we don’t open that door. Sona (pacing, holding a broken mic stand like a spear) Did you see what it did to David Hopping? One second he was reaching for his phone, the next—gone. Swallowed. No scream, no blood. Just… folded into himself like laundry. Gourley (shaking, reloading a flare gun with trembling hands) It moved like it didn’t care about time. Like it was skipping scenes. One second it was behind us, the next—it was already inside the breakroom. Conan I hit it with the extinguisher. It laughed. Laughed. A low, echoey wheeze. Like it remembered me. Sona (hissing) Of course it remembers you. You taunted it. You said, “Nice try, freak show, this is a union building.” Conan I was buying us time! It worked, didn’t it? [The door creaks behind them. Then—a dull thud. Something presses its weight against the outside.] Gourley (whispers) It’s tracking movement. Or sound. Maybe scent. I—I don’t know. It’s not from here. Sona (quiet) What if it’s not trying to kill us? What if it’s trying to make us like it? Conan That’s worse. Way worse. [The light flickers again. A smear of dark liquid seeps under the door. It bubbles, slow and rhythmic—like it’s breathing.] Gourley (readying the flare gun) Okay, I’ve got one shot. Aim for the center. If it splits open again, maybe we can burn the inside. Sona You don’t even know if it has an inside. Conan (resolute) We don’t need to understand it. We just need to outlive it. [The door handle jiggles. Then turns—slow, deliberate. Something thumps against it from the other side.] Sona (terrified) Guys… it’s here. [The door slams—once, twice. Then cracks. Wood splinters. The screaming starts before it breaks through completely.] <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Mulaney's Motivational Mantalk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - NikkiGlaser Relationship Talk]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Meditation With Dr. Arroyo]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Rudd's Mudd]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THE SOUND OF THOUSANDS OF DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF CONAN, SONA AND GOURLEY ALL OVERLAPPING WITH SWIRLING STATIC CRACKLES|Act 5 - Musical]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/yd2imdju3mbwz0pnn4yom/Horror.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

JOHN MULANEY'S CONSPIRACY PODCAST John Mulaney Welcome back to Redacted Tonight—the podcast that bravely asks: what if crop circles were just Yelp reviews from an ancient alien race? Conan O’Brien One star: “Too much wheat, not enough sacrifice.” Matt Gourley They tried to warn us. In geometry. John Today’s guest is Sona Movsesian—producer, proud Armenian, and the only person to ever get kicked out of a sound bath for “rolling her eyes too loud.” Sona Hi. Happy to be here. Unfortunately. John That’s our show motto. Conan I once saw Sona yell at a gluten-free bagel until it crumbled. Sona (half-smiling) You’re not far off. Gourley I still have dreams about it. John Alright, today’s theory: what if Stonehenge is actually a planetary pressure valve? It releases emotional buildup from the Earth’s core—too much tension, it pops. Reality gets... weird. Conan That would explain Burning Man. Sona (quietly, to herself) Pressure. Emotion. A release point… The breach. It was me. My laugh cracked it. But if that much energy broke something… maybe a different kind could seal it. [She looks at Conan. Then back at the mic. Her fingers twitch slightly on the table.] Sona Okay. Let’s try something. Conan You want me to do another theory? I’ve got one about the moon faking its own death. Sona No. I want you to insult me. Like, really go for it. Conan Uh... okay. You look like the kind of person who thinks a tote bag is a personality. Sona (eyes flash) You hollow, sepia-toned Victorian matchstick of a man— [A low, seismic rumble cuts through the studio. The lights flicker. Cracks crawl faintly up the walls. The air bends, subtly—like something exhaling from another dimension.] Gourley What the hell was that? Sona Yes!! That's it! Do it again!! I'm starting to get angry! Conan Uh, okay... You've been riding my coattails for years and the only time you eat good food is when you go to a nice restaurant and charge it to my credit card? Sona HOW DARE YOU!! I HAVE GREAT TASTE IN FOOD AND I DON'T ALWAYS USE YOUR CREDIT CARD FOR EVERYTHING, YOU DICK!!! [[THE RIFT CLOSES!|Static FX - Voices]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/zi62tvbv1ynwk7lhvl0ee/MulaneysConspiracies.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

NIKKI GLASER'S BRO PODCAST Nikki Welcome back to GRUNT LEVEL: MAX — the podcast where gains meet pain and feelings get drop-kicked into next week. I'm your host, Nikki Glaser, and joining me as always is the reason most punching bags file restraining orders: Sona “Meat Hook” Movsesian. Sona Let’s flex, cry, and throw a chair. Nikki And our guest today… is Conan O’Brien. The man whose abs are purely theoretical. Conan I contain multitudes. And zero core strength. Sona Your abs are like Bigfoot. People claim to have seen them, but science disagrees. Nikki Today’s topic: emotional dominance. How do you win a fight without ever throwing a punch? Conan With passive aggression and a well-timed sigh. Sona You once tried to assert dominance by correcting my grammar mid-argument. I nearly bit you. [Laughter. Beneath it: a soft, pulsing tone. Like a warning. Only Gourley hears.] Gourley (quietly, to himself) It’s back. That frequency. Same as before… her laughter opened it. Maybe.. .Her rage could close it? [He leans toward Conan, voice casual but precise.] Gourley Hey, Conan. Remember that time Sona "accidentally" erased the guest list and booked a plumber instead of Jason Bateman? Conan Oh yeah. That was the episode of Clogged O’Brien Needs a Friend. Sona That was one time! And the plumber had incredible emotional range! Gourley Didn’t he also clog your toilet? Conan Twice. He called it “method work.” Sona You two think you’re funny? You’re not. You’re like a human feedback loop of smug. [The air cracks. Lights dim. A strange pressure builds—like the whole room is holding its breath.] Gourley (to himself, almost smiling) That's it! It's working. Conan Also, Nikki: Did you know that Sona once spelled “congratulations” with a ‘K’ on a card to the President of Armenia? Hahaha. Sona I WAS RUSHED AND THE PEN WAS BLEEDING— [A VIOLENT RUMBLE. Static SHRIEKS. Time seems to twist for half a second—then snap back into place.] Nikki Whoa. Did… did the walls just breathe? Conan Sona trying to not get angry is like a mosquito trying not to bite - only a mosquito is easier to listen to than Sona's voice! HAHAHA. Sona THAT'S IT!! CONAN, YOU SUCK!!! YOU'RE THE WORST! [[THE RIFT CLOSES!|Static FX - Voices]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/70ky8ozw0c8gqgfnypobd/GlaserBrotalk.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop volume 0.80> </audio>

GUIDED MEDITATION WITH DR. ARROYO Dr. Arroyo Welcome to Please Be Quiet with Dr. Arroyo—your safe space for unsafe practices. I am Dr. Arroyo. Not a physician, but I once lived above one. Today, we meditate with Conan O’Brien, Sona Movsesian, and… Googly. Gourley Still Gourley. Dr. Arroyo Yes. Ghouly. Now close your eyes and unclench your minds. Picture a beach made of corduroy. The wind smells like your first mistake. The sky is… accusatory. Conan Why is the mat sticky? Dr. Arroyo That’s legacy tension. Now breathe in like you’re siphoning gas from a neighbor. Hold it. Breathe out like you’re blowing on a raccoon to assert dominance. Sona I hate this. Dr. Arroyo Good. That means it’s working. [A faint crackle pulses beneath the soundscape. Only Gourley reacts.] Gourley (under his breath) That hum… same as before. But it’s not laughter this time… It’s anger. Wait... The breach opened when she laughed. But it reacted again when she got angry! Rage… it's the inverse charge. It could work. It has to work. Dr. Arroyo Now whisper your greatest weakness into the incense bowl. Conan I have to know what’s in every wrapped present. Even if it's not mine. Sona You're not subtle. You once poked a birthday cake because you thought the surprise was inside it. Gourley Ouch. Conan are you going to let her make fun of you like that? Conan Actually no, I'm not. Sona - you couldn't meditate your way out of a paper bag. Sona How dare you! I'm SO chill. I'm the CHILLEST. Conan Yeah, yelling I'M THE CHILLEST is exactly what chill people do. Sona YOU'RE THE WORST. Conan Getting more chill by the second I see... Sona I HATE THIS, I HATE MEDITATION AND I HATE YOU!!! Dr. Arroyo Okay, well you're breathing I guess. Maybe take a large - Sona I DON'T NEED TO MEDITATE I AM SO FUCKING CHILL IT'S INSANE!!! Dr. Arroyo Uh, I think that concludes today’s healing. Please leave before my landlord returns. [[THE RIFT CLOSES!|Static FX - Voices]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/0tn3mt806egnwsj5n64nl/Dr-Arroyo-meditation.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

RUDD'S MUD: THE DIRT REVIEW SHOW Paul Rudd Welcome back to Rudd’s Mud, the only dirt review podcast. We dig it so you don't have to. I’m Paul Rudd, and today we’re rating a silky topsoil from central Oregon that, frankly, has notes of melancholy. Conan It’s like if loam had an opinion. Complex, moody… but approachable. Sona This is picnic dirt. This dirt invites you to cheat on your diet and just live. Paul Thank you! Yes! It’s body-positive dirt! Conan Also? A little piney. I’d rub it on my chest before a stressful dinner party. [They all chuckle. A trowel clinks against ceramic.] Paul Joining us at the spade mic is Matt Gourley, our “dirt skeptic.” Gourley (distracted) Right, yes. Dirt. Wonderful. Unstable particles clinging to a rapidly fraying reality. Sona Okay, someone didn’t nap today. Dick. (there is a low rumble) Conan What was that? Gourley (softly, to himself) If laughter caused the breach… maybe her opposite reaction can close it... Rage. Paul Matt, buddy, your mud score? Gourley (snapping back) Oh. Uh… six. Feels haunted. Conan I love haunted dirt. Reminds me of my first internship at NBC. Sona You guys, we haven’t even gotten to the artisanal Albanian clay I brought. It’s… aggressive. Paul Don’t tease me, Sona. I live for aggressive clay. Gourley Ha! I think the LAST thing we need is more aggression on this podcsat. Right Conan? Sona Huh? I'm not that aggressive. Conan Yeah, tell that to the last six drivers you cut off in traffic today! Hahaha. Sona THEY HAD IT COMING. THEY WERE DICKS. Gourley Are you gonna sit there and let her get away with that, Conan? Conan No way - Sona, it's funny how everyone ELSE seems to have it coming and not you. Are you sure that clay didn't just soak up some of your attitude? Sona SHUT UP CONAN!!! JUST SHUT UP!!! [[THE RIFT CLOSES!|Static FX - Voices]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/ybz6zyu10l7xch3y0rdi7/ruddmuddlow.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop volume 0.5> </audio>

LIN MANUAL MIRANDA'S MURDER MUSICAL Lin-Manuel Miranda (singing) Welcome to Murder Jam, our bloody revue, Where killers and crimes get a lyrical skew. From Zodiac’s ciphers to Manson’s parade, We tap-dance through history, unafraid. Conan O’Brien (rapping) Call me the pale knight of criminal lore, Quoting court transcripts like they’re folklore. I got jokes for days and files on Fred West, But I still can’t fold a fitted sheet—my greatest test. Matt Gourley (singing, with jazz lounge swagger) The Axeman of NOLA had jazz in his soul, He killed to a beat, that was his goal. But taste in murder doesn’t make you a star, If you spell “axe” with two Xs, you’ve gone too far. Sona Movsesian (spoken, a little dazed) None of this is right… I know this isn’t where we’re from. We weren’t singing about killers last week. We were… sitting in a studio. I laughed. And the walls cracked. [The music rolls on around her, unconcerned. The others laugh, Conan pantomimes strangling a ghost. No one notices her tone.] Sona (V.O.) The breach opened when I laughed. I know it did. Something spilled out… or we fell in. But if laughter split the seams… Maybe rage could knit them closed. I can feel it—something in my blood. If I get angry enough, this all resets. [She exhales. Then turns to Conan, casual—controlled.] Sona (calmly) Hey, Conan. Remember when you told me my car looked like it was embarrassed to be seen with me? Conan To be fair, it honked like it was sobbing. And the bumper was held on with zip ties. Sona Or when you said I “looked like the emoji for giving up?” Conan That was after you fell asleep during a Zoom meeting… while hosting it. Sona (still smiling) And when you borrowed my slow cooker in 2014? And returned it filled with… croutons? Conan You’re welcome? [Suddenly, the lights flicker. A deep subharmonic tone ripples beneath the music. The air tenses.] Sona (now furious) YOU WROTE “DO NOT RESUSCITATE” ON MY LUNCH TOTE. YOU STOLE MY USB MOUSE AND SAID IT WAS “A GIFT TO YOURSELF.” AND YOU CALLED ME “THE ARMENIAN ECHO” BECAUSE YOU CLAIM I NEVER STOP TALKING— EVEN WHEN I’M NOT THERE. [The ground shakes. The music stutters. A pulse—low and seismic—rolls out from Sona’s voice. Somewhere, reality buckles.] Lin-Manuel Miranda (quietly) Wow… that rhyme was fire. Gourley (confused) Is the floor supposed to do that? What's happening?!? Sona CONAN, YOU'RE SUCH A DICK!! I HOPE YOU DIE YOU STUPID MICK! [[THE RIFT CLOSES!|Static FX - Voices]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/m6rtlq05ntxu489npauyh/Musical.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

RESOLUTION (Version 1) Conan Well… that was loud. [beat] Welcome back to Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend. Or… whatever version of it this is. I think we’re home. I think we did it. Sona Yeah, this feels right. It smells like stale coffee, Conan’s hair is defying physics, and Gourley’s adjusting knobs that aren’t connected to anything. Gourley It’s called “confidence mixing.” Look it up. Conan We’ve been through… something. And I don’t want to dwell on it too long, but we each—let’s be honest—slid through some realities that were not this one. Sona I spent two weeks in a dimension where everyone worshipped those inflatable car dealership dancers. The temples swayed. There was chanting. I got married to a green one named Carl. Gourley I was in a world where music didn’t exist, and instead of concerts, people just clapped in silence while staring at water. Conan Mine was worse. I hosted a podcast called O’Brien on Beekeeping, and I had no guests. It was just me. Talking about queen behavior. For hours. I—wept. Sona So… we all agree. This is the best timeline. Right? Gourley I mean, the mics work. No one’s buzzing. No one’s dissolving into cubes. I’ll take it. Conan Then let’s enjoy it. This is Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend, we’re back, we’re safe, and I’m relatively sure I haven’t been replaced by a wax puppet with an agenda. Gourley The puppet would be shorter. Conan Thanks for sticking with us, listeners. And I promise I'll never make Sona laugh ever again. For myself, Matt Gourley, Sona Movsesian and our brilliant award winning engineer - and the smartest man I know - Aaron Bleyaert, we'll see you next time. Bley could you please speak very loudly into the mic and take us out by telling us one of your beloved stories about your swords. We just can't get enough! Bley NO PROBLEM, CONAN. YOU KNOW, OWNING A SWORD SOUNDS COOLER THAN IT PROBABLY SHOULD—BUT THIS SWORD? OH MAN, THIS IS MY LEGENDARY MASTER SWORD FROM THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: BREATH OF THE WILD. IT GLEAMS LIKE A MIDNIGHT SNACK LIT BY FRIDGE LIGHT, WITH THAT ICONIC BLUE HILT THAT MAKES EVERY NINTENDO FAN’S HEART LEVEL UP. IT’S NOT JUST SHARP; IT’S A PIECE OF GAMING HISTORY. THIS SWORD ISN’T ABOUT DUELS OR DRAGONS—IT’S ABOUT THE ABSURD THRILL OF OWNING SOMETHING THAT... (Bley fades out) [[CREDITS]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/yp3xtk8zv6qsj86tmo9i4/Resolution_1.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

RESOLUTION (Version 2) Conan Well… either we’re alive, or I’m hallucinating a podcast while pinned under cosmic rubble. Either way—welcome back to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend. I’m Conan O’Brien, your host, and I am thrilled to report that we appear to be back in the correct reality. Sona I’m not so sure. The coffee tastes like regret and the couch smells like vinegar. Gourley Then yes, we’re home. Conan Let’s take a second. We’ve been through… something. Something huge. Sona Something weird. I spent a month in a dimension where everyone’s first name was Todd, and no one had knees. You had to wheel around like Roombas. Gourley You got off easy. I lived inside a musical where every sneeze triggered a tap-dance number. My feet still ache. Conan Try co-hosting The View with sentient piles of spaghetti. Every commercial break ended in sauce-based violence. Sona You sure that wasn’t just Olive Garden? Conan Hard to tell. There were unlimited breadsticks either way. Gourley Point is—we’re back. This is our studio. Our podcast. Our weird, semi-dysfunctional family unit. I, for one, am grateful to breathe air that doesn’t taste like riddles. Sona And wear clothes that aren’t sentient and passive-aggressive. Conan Let’s cherish this. No more multiversal breaches. No more rifts. Just us, microphones, and the freedom to complain about things that don’t matter. Gourley Amen. And no more reality-threatening laughter from Sona, right? Sona Don’t push it, Matt. [They all laugh. Suddenly, there's a loud alarm] Woman Robot Voice WARNING! WARNING! THERE IS A HULL BREACH IN SECTOR 7. Gourley Shit! I told you we shouldn't have flown through that asteroid belt! Conan Sona! Head to engineering and see if you can contain the breach. Gourley, get on those guns. Sona Where are you going? Conan I'm headed to the bridge. This spaceship needs her captain. [[CREDITS]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/6en2uda640yx6l1yjuvbt/Resolution_2.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

RESOLUTION (Version 3) Conan Well, I don’t know what just happened, but my spine clicked back into alignment, and I think that means we’re back in our universe. Welcome to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend. I’m Conan O’Brien, and I think I just witnessed my own birth… from a third-person perspective. Sona I woke up in a dimension where every word was just a vibe. No one talked. We just made eye contact and judged each other telepathically. Gourley I was a goose. That’s the whole thing. Just a goose. Honked around, had a wife named Myrtle. Miss her already. Conan I hosted a morning show where the sun was sentient and deeply sarcastic. Every time I flubbed a joke, it dimmed for an hour. Sona That sounds like our studio lights. Gourley Either way, it’s nice to be corporeal again. And in a reality where I’m not legally married to a vending machine. Conan Hey—just be grateful we’re back to a timeline where our biggest problem is whether or not to read the ad copy for fiber supplements. Sona Don’t knock it. My colon’s been through so much. [Theme music begins to swell.] Conan Okay, we’re back. This is real. This is us. Nothing weird left to discover. [Beat.] [Sound: Low rumble. A dull, wet THUD hits the door. Then another. Wood creaks. Dust shakes from the ceiling.] Conan (quietly) They found us. Upload the podcast files. Sona There's no time. Get the gear. [More pounding. A moan, muffled but close. Something claws at the door.] Sona We can’t run again. Not after the sewer collapse. Not after the tunnel gave out. Hand me my crossbow. Conan Then we open it… and we finish this. Together. This axe will taste zombie blood, one last time. [Silence. Just breath and the creak of floorboards.] Gourley It's been an honor to be your friends. Conan Bullshit. The previlege was all mine. [Final beat. One last pounding THUD at the door. Growling.] Conan (low, resolute): On three. All (in unison): One… two… THREE! [Sound of the door splintering open.] [[CREDITS]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/6102ubz4j0f7098yrbpr2/Resolution_3.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

RESOLUTION (Version 4) Conan I think it’s over. I think we’re home. This feels like Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend—not, say, Conan O’Brien: Lizard King of the Outer Moons. Gourley Reality split apart - I feel like I was pulled through thousands of different dimensions. I - I can't believe we're finally home. Sona I actually liked the one where I was a cloud. People just laid on me all day. No meetings. Just mist. Conan I ran a bed & breakfast in a world where dreams were taxed and nightmares cost extra. Guy Fieri was president. Gourley And somehow still more restrained than our current HOA. Sona Hey, maybe we needed the chaos to realize how good we had it. Conan Maybe. Or maybe I just missed chairs that aren’t alive and judgmental. Gourley Let’s call it: breach sealed, reality restored, vibe check passed. [Music fades in. Everyone exhales at once.] Conan Alright. No more timelines, no more interdimensional errands. Just us, a studio, and whatever weird thing Sona says next. Should we wrap this thing up? Sona Yeah! Conan Okay, let's all put on our ceremonial robes. It's time for our traditional podcast ending chant to please the dark "UberConan" entity that rules over all time and space. Conan Sona and Gourley Dear leader Conan watches all. Through winter summer spring and fall. Join us now where silence ends, And remember you are all Conan's friends. (thunderclap and Conan's evil laughter) [[CREDITS]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/x4pis1n3cn6mf7hmibnof/Resolution_4.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

RESOLUTION (Version 5) Conan Okay. Okay, I think… I think it’s done. I’m Conan O’Brien. This is Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, and I’d like to welcome everyone back to the correct version of reality. Sona I was just in a dimension where everyone had tiny horses instead of feet. You didn’t walk—you trot. Gourley I was in a dimension where everyone aged backwards. I got grounded for getting too young and was sent to adult daycare. Conan I played a kazoo for 12 years straight in a competitive kazoo dojo. I was their least promising student. My sensei was a pigeon. Sona So… business as usual? Gourley Close enough. The point is—we made it back. No more cascading dimensions. No more hallucinated podcasts about lentils. Conan Honestly, I’m just glad I’m not glowing anymore. That was unsettling. Sona You were glowing? Conan You didn’t see that? Gourley He glowed in the shape of an Arby’s logo. [They laugh. Music trickles in.] Conan Alright. We’re good. We’re back. Let’s record a nice, normal episode about friendship and shame. [Beat.] [Door opens] Conan 2 Hey guys! What's going on - wait, who's that? Conan It's me, Conan! Conan 2 But I'M Conan! This is my studio! [the sound of two Conans struggling and fighting each other] Gourley Sona! Let's get out of here!! [[CREDITS]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/hqh0t34sqkkti87pvhisa/Resolution_5.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

THE RIFT OPENS! Sona's loud laughing causes a multidimensional rift to open, allowing other versions of the podcast to flood into our reality! <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[On with the show!|Act 2 - Voicemail]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[On with the show!|Act 2 - Note]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[On with the show!|Act 2 - Doodle]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[On with the show!|Act 2 - Celebrity voicemail]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[On with the show!|Act 2 - Future Hopping]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/kw1lr5g5fyr541te2luxz/MultiversePortalOpens.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio>

THE RIFT CLOSES! Sona's anger reverses the multidimensional rift, allowing our reality to push the other dimensions back to where they came from and close the breach! <<set _choice to either (1,2,3,4,5)>> <<if _choice == 1>>[[THE SOUND OF THUNDER IN REVERSE, ALONG WITH THE RISING SOUND OF STATIC!|Act 6 - 1]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 2>>[[THE SOUND OF THUNDER IN REVERSE, ALONG WITH THE RISING SOUND OF STATIC!|Act 6 - 2]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 3>>[[THE SOUND OF THUNDER IN REVERSE, ALONG WITH THE RISING SOUND OF STATIC!|Act 6 - 3]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 4>>[[THE SOUND OF THUNDER IN REVERSE, ALONG WITH THE RISING SOUND OF STATIC!|Act 6 - 4]]<</if>> <<if _choice == 5>>[[THE SOUND OF THUNDER IN REVERSE, ALONG WITH THE RISING SOUND OF STATIC!|Act 6 - 5]]<</if>> <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/40711dh3nvhj7uw2z9y20/RiftClosesShort.mp3?dl=1' autoplay> </audio>

THE END Thanks for listening. Restart to explore a whole new random episode! [[Press here to restart! |Static Intro]] <audio src='https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/4dxu3s9h6k0mfa53zf7c2/chopcredits.mp3?dl=1' autoplay loop> </audio>

[[PLAY ME|Static Intro]]